I saw on a local Facebook page that some were wondering why I recently put three cases of Bud Light on a folding table in my backyard and then shot them with an AR-15.
Under the Second Amendment, I don’t have to answer your questions (see you, libs), but in the interest of neighborliness, I will.
The answer is simple: Anheuser-Busch is on.
Drunk on Bud Light Day, the company I’ve long supported recently admitted to the absurd liberal notion that we treat everyone with kindness and respect. In collaboration with Dylan MulvaneyI’m told that Google is a “transgender social media influencer.”
Kid Rock shot his bud light so I shot mine.
I learned about this through a major news source, Kid Rock’s Instagram page. Mr. Rock He posted a video of himself shooting his own cases of Bud Light., “(Expletive) Bud Light. (Expletive) Anheuser-Busch!”
From that point on it was clear that as a veteran I would need to purchase multiple Bud Light cases and then fire them with the same equipment used in most mass shootings. If this act of responsible protest strikes your fancy, I’m happy to lend you my “Liberal Tears” mug.
While none of you local so-called Americans joined me in my battle against awakening, many prominent conservatives did, including country music star Travis Tritt. He banned all Anheuser-Busch products from the tourand GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy; Who called him? “The worst form of capitalism.”
Former professional baseball player Aubrey Huff tweeted: “Oh my god how dumb must you be @budlight? Can’t wait to see next quarter’s sales. #dashedlight”
My truth tellers and I took time off from our important crusade against the evils of liberal culture to encourage others to never drink Bud Light again. I dare you to name a more noble mission than opposing the organization by buying someone and destroying the product while attracting widespread and unpaid national attention to the brand.
But despite the justification of shooting the several dozen cans of beer I paid for, I hear complaints from your neighbors. What harm am I doing to Mrs. Henderson’s labrador other than simply grazing a stray bullet?
Lo and behold, I bought five dozen pairs of Nike sneakers in 2018 and realized there were some minor issues. I burned them in my backyard to protest the company that featured Colin Kaepernick in an ad. How was I supposed to know that the fire would reach the vineyard in Don’s backyard?
And I know some of you didn’t like what I learned from Newsmax host Greg Kelly last year Oreo Cookies were alerted by joining PFLAG to make a short film. On the way out. That’s what left me. Kelly’s insightful tweet. It reads: “Cookie! I love cookies. C is for COOKIE. Cookie is for me. I don’t like gay cookies. ‘Sexuality’ has nothing to do with the cookie experience. Cookies are for everyone! Basically, cookies are ‘sexual’—why is the WOKE LEFT messing with OREOS?!?! Stop the madness.”
That prompted me to buy all the Oreos at the grocery store, dump them in the middle of the driveway in front of my house, and smash them with the same hammer I used to smash the 25 Keurig coffee makers I bought in the back. The company has stopped advertising on Fox News’ Sean Hannity show.
Well, I guess my first amendment rights are too small for the sheep in this neighborhood. I won’t apologize because an apology is a leftist weapon but I will refrain from shooting another beer.
And I can vouch for that, because I’ve just switched to Corsair, so if you want me, I’ll be in the driveway if you want me, sitting peacefully in the lawn chair next to my hummer. To oppose climate change fraud – for a long time … wait a minute. Google tells me why Coors Light is “one of the most progressive for gay policies.”He has been advertising in gay publications since the 1980s“?
Vigilance is everywhere!
Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHppke And Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
More from Rex Huppke:
Elon Musk is getting my blue tick on Twitter. If not known, who am I?
Will today’s GOP try to block Mr. Rogers for being woke? in case.
Silicon Valley Bank’s Crackdown on Diversity or ‘Vigilance’ Gives Republican Play
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: The Bud Light trans partnership left me with no choice but to shoot ‘Wake’ beer.